Almost Seven Years Later...

My mother passed close to seven years ago and through her death, our family fell apart.  I have not spoken with a sister of mine for five, or is it six years, and thought perhaps we never would speak again.  She cut me off completely.  I remember calling her at least five years ago and asking her to come visit us.  Actually, I had my daughter call her and ask her to come out, figuring she couldn't say no to that darling little voice, but she did.  After reaching out several other times, I gave up.  It was too painful to try to keep that relationship alive.  

You ask what made this relationship fall apart so badly? It boiled down to both of us acting incredibly poorly when my mother became ill and passed in a short five months.  I will take half the blame, but you cannot tango alone, as the saying goes. Fractured families are very common with those of us who are unprepared for a medical emergency. 

This last weekend, another one of my sisters, Sandy, came to visit for the first time since my mother passed.  It was wonderful to have her here and we had a blast.  I'm so thankful she finally got up the courage to come back to where there were such painful memories.  We did not talk about how long it had been or why she had always said no when I invited her to visit us: We just enjoyed being sisters.  And she got to be part of my family's celebration of my youngest daughter's official debut as the leading lady, Josephine, in "HMS Pinafore." (I'll post the video of Journey's solo in the next week or so.)  

Another highlight of the weekend is that I spoke with my other sister who had cut me out of her life for so many years.  Sandy was talking with her on the phone and Sandy said "Here, you tell her," and she handed me the phone, while my other sister proceeded to stroll down memory lane with a story from our past.  I handed the phone back to Sandy and started to choke up.  My eyes filled with tears and I thought I was going to break down right then and there (we were in the Denver airport, so I was trying hard to keep it together!).  I told my sister that I wished she were there with us and she said she would come out and visit us.  

What made her change?  I'm not sure.  Perhaps she realized that life is too short without every single loved one being in your life.  She is getting older (btw, I'm the young, beautiful one now...) and perhaps her defenses are becoming weaker.  I think I'm at the stage of my maturity where I don't care what is making her change.  I am willing to get out there and risk my heart again.  

Mother, if you are watching, I'm sure you are letting out a long-held breathe.  A breathe you held for the last seven years while our family healed itself from losing you.  

Until next time,
Kay

Why Plan and Prepare to find Peace?

It's funny, but I've never been asked this question, but it's a question I ask myself.  Why did I plan and prepare in case anything should happen to me?  My answer is always "My children."

I learned first-handedly how difficult it is to work through a medical emergency when you or the person you are caring for are not prepared.  I do not always wish to return my thoughts to these days, but for the sake of this blog, I will go back six years when my mother first became ill and passed a devastatingly long five months later.  We thought we had things in order for her when she signed a simple statement that said she did not want to be kept on life support.  Wow, was that ever a mistake! 

What does it mean, Not kept on life support?  Did she want procedures done that would not prolong her life, but would tell the doctors what's going on inside of her so that we could make medical decisions for her?  How long did she want to be on medications once it was determined she was in her last few weeks?  That simple form the hospital gave us did not cover either of these questions and caused major disruption within our family. 

That experience woke me up and fast. 

After my mother passed, I took a hard look at my own will and medical declarations.  I had a will but it did not cover what my wishes were regarding how my children would be taken care of.  Nor did it have the right guardians and agents in it.  I made earlier decisions on diplomacy, rather than who would rear my children as I would.  When my mother passed, I set a task for myself to get a real will that covered my children based on our lives at that time, and not in the past. 

I know that my current durable medical power of attorney (my wonderful sister-in-law, Jean) will take care of business for me when I am not able to.  I have shared with her what I want to happen and there will be limited decisions on her part when I am unable to communicate my wishes.   The same is true with my durable financial power of attorney (my wonderful niece, Sandy Kay). 

Do I have everything organized and ready should something happen. Not a chance!  I live a very busy life as a single mom of two active teenagers and I love every minute of this busy, sometimes hectic life, so things slip and don't get done.  But can my power of attorneys step in for me and take over fairly fast?  Definitely, yes.

Can you say the same?  What would happen should you be in an accident and unable to speak?  Who can step into your shoes (power of attorney) and tell the doctors what you want?  Who would take care of your children or dependents?  They are the real reason we all need to plan and prepare.  And once you are prepared, you will be able to let go and have peace, knowing your loved ones (and you!) are taken care of.

Until next time,

Kay